I've gotten into a pretty regular rhythm here at this point. I have a daily routine and classes and things that used to be really difficult are becoming habit.
So it's now that I'm realizing that I don't really have Senegalese friends, here.
I mean, I have plenty of friends at WARC, and I get along great with my family, and there are friendly neighbors and Hadi and I get along (la bonne) just fine. But I don't have any friends my own age that live in this country. And what I realized pretty early on is that I can't. For one simple reason- well, two.
1) All the women are too busy, and not interested in making friends with the random toubab chick
2) All the men are all too willing to be friends, and they never leave it at that.
I'm one of the girls here who has accepted this early on, because I've seen other girls here fall for it time and time again. Yes, he's the friend of your host brother, and he's really cool and he speaks English so you can communicate without misunderstandings. He hasn't tried to hit on you or anything like that. He's not being creepy, he just asked for your phone number so he could tell you what time tomorrow to meet him at the market, of course you can bring along your friends, no problem. And then he starts texting you three times a day. And he says things like "I know it was fate that we met, you are beautiful, I don't know, but I think I need you" (which may or may not be a direct quote from not-my-phone).
And you think, where the hell did that come from? We were friends. He wasn't hitting on me at all in person. And you realize, yes he was, of course he was, you just couldn't tell because guys here have a completely different concept of how to talk to girls. And you think well maybe I can just be friends with this guy, I'll tell him I'm not interested but we should really hang out sometime.
How often does that work in the States? Sure, in America it works maybe HALF the time, to say "let's just be friends" and have it be not-awkward. Maybe. Maybe if you're already friends, share a common first language, have no cultural barriers and the same priorities in life. Here? That doesn't go down so well. And it's not like you can blame them, the way our two cultures try to fit together. After all, if a woman's past the age of 18 it's only normal that she starts thinking about marriage. A man can marry whenever he wants but a woman's getting desperate at 25. And why else would a huge group of single American women be traveling abroad, and why else would they want to hang out with single men? Especially because the only American women they've seen so far have been tourists and celebrities. It just makes sense.
But I would like to have a friend who doesn't at some point start hitting on me. I would like to have a friend who can have my phone number without using it at least three times a day. I would like to have a friend with whom I can spend time without anticipating exactly when he'll start steering the conversation toward theoretically *if* I were looking for a boyfriend in Senegal, or isn't it a coincidence that we both have names that start with J, or when I'll be coming back or if I can stay longer or how easy is it to visit the United States, is it expensive? I would like to have a female friend, but that's not happening. I would like to have the boy that comes up and says "hello", to have a polite conversation, and it would be nice for him to me leave after that, and not follow me for three blocks at least.
It really is a shame. And it's something I need to get over, really, since it's not going to change. I need to get used to accepting that here, in my situation at least, friendship and courtship are one and the same. And if there is ever, ever, and exception to that, I can't try and make that the rule. If course there will be guys who come up to chat who are simply curious as to why an American student would travel to Senegal. But I can't be surprised or disappointed when they invite me over to dinner. And I can't be disappointed that I have to say no, I need to go home now, I already have plans, I lost my phone, sorry. And then I call one of my fellow American friends and we talk on the way home from school about all the phone numbers we've collected over the weekend, laugh over the latest outrageously mushy text ("I'm not thinking just about your stay here, I'm thinking about our life together, I can't live without you") whoever it was received from the soccer player she met two days ago. The guard at the bank winks at me. I've stopped smiling at strangers.
And for crying out loud, even if I *were* interested in anyone here, how in any realm of reality would that be mutually acceptable? Unless I were planning on getting married, it would be stupid to start something. Really really really stupid. "Hanging out as friends" is just a step towards dating, which is just a step towards getting more serious, which is just a step towards walking down the aisle. There is no comfortable stopping point, and guys here do not understand the meaning of "taking things slow". Being alone is an invitation. Being friendly even more so.
A student who was with the MSID program a few years ago, got engaged and married this guy from the Baobab neighborhood. Then she moved back to the states. She probably visited quite a few times in the last two years, I think the plan was to eventually get him a visa to move with her to the States. As it was she hadn't seen him for a long time. She just came back a few weeks ago because he died in a car accident. She went to her husband's funeral last weekend.
I'm going on spring break in a few weeks to St. Louis, I need to remember to call my friend's fiancé so I can deliver the CDs and flash drives and letters she sent over with me. She's in Madison now. He's from the Casamance. I wonder how much they understand each other. If you're reading, I really really would like to know, in a completely neutral and non-judgmental way, the dynamics of dating while functioning in second-and-third languages. I want to know how you understand each other. And not only how, but what you understand in each other.
Mortimer:
I understand thy kisses and thou mine,
And that's a feeling disputation:
But I will never be a truant, love,
Till I have learned thy language;
In the states it's easier to be "just friends" because everyone's so scared of saying something wrong, everyone's so scared of The Awkward that we all just politely ignore it and keep our mouths shut. After all, you couldn't say anything, that would require using words, and then you might be misunderstood or even worse, understood, and then- what?
This rant is going nowhere.
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Well frankly, it is not simple. If you are asking how we understand each other...well, by explaining ourselves to the point of getting annoyed. There are always issues with concepts and ideas being different enough to cause a lot of confusion and hurt feelings. There have been about 7 million examples of this. But you have to laugh and say "oh hey, I didn't know that was what the connotations of that was in French/Wolof/English" and apologize and try to be more clear the next time.
ReplyDeleteCulturally, there have been similar issues. Sometimes huge differences that neither of us would have ever guessed at. It would be nice if he could learn my culture without all the damn legal hassle and mandatory marriage but that is how the U.S. works.
As to "what we understand in each other", that is a complicated thing that I am not quite either what you are asking or what I would respond. I assume you are asking how I know he isn't like the others and all I can say is that 'I can tell'. Which isn't useful, or a trustworthy response (from a completely neutral view. I am perfectly aware of this.)
I empathize with the difficulty of finding women as friends. I had some luck there as I had a Senegalese roommate of about the same age. But out of everyone in my group, I had the best roommate too, so even then it was hard. Older people (such as professors etc. that you work with) often have very understanding wives in my experience who are willing to help you learn Senegalese things and spend time with you. But it is hard to establish those connections in the short time you have.
Wish I had better things to tell you.